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Assertiveness amounts simply to mindfulness of feelings, speech, and actions, and is based upon the assumption that you can be in touch with what you are actually feeling. You must know yourself and be able to read situations appropriately and face them consciously. If you are aware of your feelings as feelings, then you can break out of the passive or hostile modes that so automatically rear up when you feel threatened in some way. So the first step in becoming more assertive is to practice knowing how you are actually feeling. Practice mindfulness of your own state of feeling.
The first lesson in assertiveness is that your feelings are simply your feelings. They are neither good nor bad, real nor false. Those types of words are merely judgements that you or others impose upon your feelings. In order to be assertive, you must have a non-judgmental awareness of your feelings as they are.
Assertiveness is the ability to state your thoughts, feelings, and desires in a clear and respectful way. It is used to improve the odds that someone else will understand and cooperate with you. You can use the letters “PADESI” to stand for the six steps of assertiveness.
Prepare yourself to talk without attacking. This is very important. Breathe and be mindful so that you can choose how to respond rather than reacting automatically.
Ask if this is a good time to talk. You want to catch the other person at a time when they will be most receptive to a conversation with you. In order for communication to be effective, the other person has to be in the right frame of mind, too.
Describe the situation as objectively as you can. Be very mindful of your speech, the words you choose and the tone of your voice. How your words come across to the other person depends a lot on these factors.
Express your thoughts and feelings about the situation using “I statements.” This shows that you are taking responsibility for your own feelings, rather than putting that responsibility on your partner, who would probably feel uncomfortable with that, as well as defensive.
Specify what you would like to happen. You have the right to make a request but you do not have the right to demand. Again, be mindful of your speech.
Invite the other person to respond. Listen mindfully to what they have to say. Try to understand their point of view, as you would have them try to understand yours.
If you can follow these steps, you can be assertive without being aggressive and you have a much better chance of getting what you need.
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